#so like do you think chester and norris can talk to each other or what

[liumilai]

the way tumblr destroys photo quality should be studied

+close ups!!

[common-grackle]

hello i am here to tell you about my best friend alice dyer magnusprotocol .

so she is working at thje oiar office of incident assessment and response which is like. magnus institute part two. or something. she has this ex boyfreind called samama khalid (i love him <3) and thjey are also besties and she got him the job at the oiar and in the 1st episode she shows him how to do things adn shes so silly abiut it shes likw . hold on let me screenshot thje fucking. the transed cript

dont look at my tabs .

anywya colin is the it guy and hes so babygirl literally,, this isnt abt him though its about alice

alice shows sam the gay people on the windows 95 ALSO SHE NAMED EVERYTHING WHICH. FUCK YEAH I DO YHIS like the system thjey use on the old ass computers. it doestn have a name but also his name is freddie . because fr3-d1 . and she also named thje voices that the compiters read out statements(??) in she named them norris chester and augustus (i am so normal about norris and chester . however if i told you WHY that woudl spoil tma for you + idk maybe youvw already had it spoiled adn seen things about them . or you dont care . either way its a story for another time anyway) alice often gets scolded by gwen bouchard who is . also working there and also shes hot. who said that uhh yes alice loves to annoy her and also gwen is so interesting to me but THATS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME !!!!! umm what else what else REMEMBER COLIN okay this is going to be a little bit about colin . he fucking . hes such a character. ok like he Knows somwthjing is wrong ?? like he can Tell . like the way the first tmagp episode ends is . interesting . to say the least . hes probably had a fucked up fear encounter . hes even scottish . and um thjeres a bit in the first episode when sam talks to him and its so silly becausw sam is like "hey colin how is the app going" and colin is like "THIS APP KILLED MY GRANDMA ))):< " or something . not that but like he got angyr You Get It and sam is like "oh my bad. i mso sorry alice told me to ask ." and colin is immediately like ". oh . (: ok then :D tell alice it was funny adn i laughed :smiling face with three hearts emoji: " LIKE . he hates everyone except alice <33 i lovw thjem so much ): AND WE SEE TJEM INTERAC T IN THE THIRD EPISODE . I LOVE THEM SO MUCH . AUGH . ummm augh the fucking conversation with sam and colin was so funny too sam is so awkward . poor boy anyway umm what else what else . YEAH UMMM AS A LOT OD PEOPLE HAVE OOINTED OUT. ALICE IS AWFULLY SIMILAR TO TIM STOKER MAGNUSARCHIVES FROM LIKE SEASON 1 . AND LIKE . god tim makes me feel shrimp emotions UMM LIKE IN SEASON ONE HES BEINGG LIKE REALLY FUNNY AND EVERYTHING . IN S2 HE LIKE. he starts getting a bit angry at everything because things have Really started to Go Wrong at the institute and also jon is being a little bitch . and at the end of s2/beginning of s3 he like . ok so theres anothjer archival assistant in like s1/s2(??) there her name is sasha and she and tim were best friends <333 some people ship them romantically some dont but either way. they were so so close and loved each other so much adn like they always come together like yk what i mean like you cant think of one of them without thinking of the other . thats how Two Of Them they were and i love them so much and augughghgh anyway ummmmm at the end of season 1 something . happens to sasha ! and its just ! not addressed until the end of s2 but like she starts acting different and everything and at the end of s2 we like learn that sasha fucking died bcause she was eaten by the not!them which is this thing thats with the fear entity known as the stranger . and um . basically it eats people and takes their place and almost no one can tell the difference like it alters everyone's memories and all the pictures and things of that person but like theres always like one or two people that can tell that it's a . whole other person . because they remember the way the real person used to be like the not!them appears in episode 3 across the street and eats this guy graham folger (love him) and amy patel (the statement giver) like remembers what og graham was like before the not!them got him yk . and in sasha's case it was this girl melanie that remembered her (i love melanie she is this youtuber she has a show called ghost hunt uk and she and jon hate each other and Cannot take each other seriously its so funny) anyway melanie was like "hgirllie that is not. sasha i?? are there two sashas" when jon assures her that sasha let her inside after she asked abt where sasha was . yk . and then jon does Researc h

i ran out of characters for this block wait

AND HE FUCKING FINDS WHAT SASHAS REAL VOICE SOUNDED LIKE BECAUSE THE NOT!THEM CANT FUCK WITH THE OLD ASS CASSETTE TAPE RECORDERS . YK and thjen he accidentally. Releases the not them into the wild lmao but um thats a whole other story the point is we learn that sasha was not. sasha . yk anyway back to tim . s3 is so bad for him and he gets like fucking . depressed . now like theres the one whole thing with sasha (thjeres this one bit where hes like "i dont even know who im sad for" UUGHGHGHGHGH) BUT ALSO we learn that the stranger also got his younger brother danny !!! traumatizing fucking experience also why is the stranhger targeting Him Specifically . one of the reasons i hate the stranger its fucking EVIL also tim hates jon now ! and he has reason to anyway um . tim is fucking . hes Sad and going through all the stages of grief aND HE DOESNT EVEN FUCKING FINISH . BECAUSE HE DIES . IN THE UNKNOWING . well trying to stop it . and UUUHUHHGHJGHJHGHJHGJHGJHJHJKJHBGHJKJHJKJHGJKJHJJHNJKJHBJKJHBMKJHBJNMKJHBJHB a bit more on this topic when jon goes to get jonah magnus' ass in s5 he like fucking sits him down adn just like fucking goes "that was for tim" "that was for sasha" AND I WAS HHDHSMDSHJDSM and then the fucking "i dont want to die" "neither did they" I AUAYUGYUHFGJHHGCFJNKNHFGVGBHJNFGH AND DONT GET ME FUCKING S T A R T E D ON THE BIRTHDAY TAPE. anyway. um. dear god how did i get from alice to this . anyway . um . YES alice reminds us so much of tim and she even has a younger brother.,,, but yes she reminds us so much of timWHICH MAKES ME SO FUCKING. WORRIED. IM GOINg TO RUN INTO MY WALL AT FULL SPEED i am so worried :thumbsup: anyway. um. uh. this was it i think i am hgoing to go play bideo games now goodbye and remember that bones are a lie peddled by big milk to keep you buying

HKDSBKJFBMNVSDJFKDBKFJH INSANE. HI

"one of the reasons i hate the stranger its fucking EVIL" is a rly good sentence

ugh i kinda want to listen to tma now. yuor fault. affectionate

ANYWAYYYY augh tragedy fans when the tragedy tragedies

UM. this was rly good and fun to read. i dont have like. words to say about the content. but YEAG BLORBOS IN LAW YOU GO 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 33)

"Just Listen... Remember."

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

The water is warm as Colson and Luna make-out in the shower. They're trying to squeeze a quickie in before going to Sunday Brunch.

Careful of her gunshot wound, he runs his hands all over her wet body as she firmly strokes his oversized cock. He can only take it so long before he spins her around, pulling her hips out as she leans into the wall. He runs his large hand over her ass ❗SLAP❗ He hits her hard to her delight.

Moaning, she tells him "Fuck me." With that he slides carefully into her tight pussy.

"Unhhh!!!! You feel so fucking GOOD!!" He calls out, gripping her wet hair. They fuck each other like it's their last time. Hard and passionately. Slamming into each other, panting. He grips her hips tightly, feeling her clench around his hard cock.

"Ready?" She begs, slamming into him.

He grips her harder, telling her "DO IT!" as they both cum. Bodies tingling.

He then pulls her up into his arms. Holding her loosely to be careful of her wound, letting the warm water continue to cascade over them as they catch their breath.

-------------------------------------------------

Dressed in a flowing, blue printed dress, littered in jelwery, with chunky ankle boots. Luna, Colson and Casie meet Luna's grandmother Pattie and her friends for brunch at Poppy+Rose. It's not long before Emma joins them.

They enjoy breakfast and mimosas as Casie gushes to her mom about "How cool!!" yesterday was, bouncing around with excitement. Emma smiles, listening to her excited little girl. Pleased with Luna's thoughtfulness towards her daughter.

"She was such a delight!" Pattie tells Emma regarding Casie.

"MOM!!! I MET BEYONCÉ!!!" She interrupts the women, pulling a peice of cardboard out of her bag. It's littered with the autographs of famous women. Casie points out Beyoncé's.

Shocked, Emma looks at Colson then Luna. "Really???" She asks, amused.

"YEAH! And RiRi is even COOLER than we thought, Mommy!!" Pointing on the cardboard to her autograph. Casie looks at her mom "Luna's friends with Rihanna, so I get to call her RiRi." She tells her with sass. Emma catches Luna's eye. Both beaming at each other as they and the other grown ups erupt into laughter.

Susan reaches over to Casie to check out her prized cardboard. "Now, THAT'S punk." She declares to the little girl's content.

They continue talking about the video shoot.

After a while Casie and Emma have to leave to catch their flight. Luna and Emma hugging warmly, as Luna thanks her for letting Case be involved. Bending down, Luna then thanks Casie for being in her video.

"I'M IN IT!!!" She shouts, eyes wide. Making her parents look at her.

Luna laughs "Yes, Silly. Remember when you were walking with all of us holding the sign?"

"Yeah?!" She asks intrigued with wide eyes.

"We were shooting then." She tells her grinning.

"THHHAT'S SOOO COOL!!!!! THANK YOU, LUNA!! THAT'S SO COOL!!! I LOVE IT!!" Casie shouts out again, diving into a laughing Luna, hugging her tight. Luna squeezes her back through the pain as she lays dozens of kisses on her cheek.

Pattie had been happily watching her granddaughter, until she sees her wince under Casie's weight.

As Colson walks them out, Luna hears Casie tell her parents, holding their hands. "I, was in a MUSIC VIDEO with Beyoncé. NOT DAD. MY friends are gonna think I'm SO cool...."

Luna grins, sliding back into her seat, turning to the 5 women staring at her. "What's uuuup?" She asks them, laughing.

"That was really sweet to watch, Loons." Joni speaks first.

Debbie looks at her in dismay. "Don't tell me you're fucking conforming." She says with a smirk.

"Never." Luna laughs reassuring her.

Pattie cuts the bullshit. "What happened to your shoulder, Luna?" Her grandmother asks her bluntly.

Luna sheepishly looks at her Mom-Mom, sighing. "I got shot on the ICE job." She says reluctantly. Colson has returned to the table.

"And I'm JUST finding out now, Luna ADELAIDE Smith?" She says sternly using her full name. Pattie's friends are quiet.

Luna looks down at her hands in her lap. Colson reaches for her hand. Looking up "I'm sorry, Mom-Mom." She says apologizing. "It was late, I took care of it and I didn't want to worry you."

"You know that's no excuse, Luna." She states firmly. "What else don't I know?"

Besides being worried about meeting Casie, Colson's never seen Luna look so intimidated. "FUCK." He thinks to himself. Holding Luna's hand under the table.

Looking around the table. She knows she can trust these women. "I shot a cop." Luna says lowly, looking her grandmother in the eye.

Pat doesn't flinch. She had been listening to the words of The City and already knew the details. "Kill 'em?" She's still stern with pursed lips. Keeping steady eye contact with her granddaughter.

"No. Knee shot." Her fingers are interlaced into Colson's, squeezing his hand. Anxiety reliever, she reminds herself.

"And YOU?"

"Through and through."

"Dr?" Knowing Luna is smart enough to keep herself off the radar.

"Two." This satisfies Pattie a bit

"Antibiotics?"

"Yes."

"So, you're okay?" Pattie softens.

"Yes, Mom-Mom." Luna tells her quietly.

"You should have fucking told me, Luna." She states, flashing back to firm.

Luna sighs. "I know, Mom-Mom. I'm sorry. Never again." She reaches across the table to squeeze her grandmother's hand with her free one.

Pattie knows she's referring to honesty, not danger. She squeezes her back with a smile and soft eyes. "Well, now that, that's settled..." She turns to the group.

Annie interrupts her. "I think it's safe to say, Deb's worries about Loons conforming are out the window!!" Luna and The Women laugh to Colson's confusion.

The rest of their time is light and enjoyable. Mimosas dripping. Before parting ways, Luna and Colson make plans with Luna's grandmother to come to NY for dinner after his show in NC. Hugs, kisses and love are exchanged. Pattie looks into Luna's eyes. Firmly stating, lowly enough for only to her to hear "Never again.". Luna nods. Before hugging and kissing her grandmother good bye.

Each of the women privately cheer Luna's rebellion with their goodbyes. "Keep fighting the Good fight." Being their overall message.

-------------------------------------------------

In Colson's Rover they both let out a sighfull "FUCKKK..." in unison. Looking at each other and laughing. Luna fires up a joint.

"You're Mom-mom is hardcore." He releases.

"I know. Here, we need these." She says passing him the joint before sparking another. Both with their own on the way back to Colson's.

-------------------------------------------------

At Colson's, after A Drink, A Smoke, A Chat and A Fuck, they're back in the studio. He wants to play her Hotel Diablo in full again. She knows the titles and lyrics now, after listening and watching him work as he finished pulling the album and its contents together. It had been a pleasure to watch him. Grabbing shots with her camera along the way.

"Just listen, remember?" He smiles at her.

She's on the couch again, like the first time he played it for her. Only with a beer instead of water. He watches her intently, from his same spot, chin in his hand, as the album begins. It opens up with Sex Drive. She LOVES the beat he created with The Marks. She drips from his fire on el Diablo, moving with its beat, like the first track. The Chester homage still hits hard on Hollywood Whore. Glass House and Burning Memories nail her in her gut. Just like the first time. And again, she's visibly relieved by Pete's entrance onto the album. Colson smiles as she laughs, smiling up at him as she runs her index finger along her cheek. Wiping stray tears from the previous songs.

She's moving again to Floor 13 and is bobbing to Roulette. Truck Norris comes on. Remembering that night, she laughs hard, high-fiving Colson. Death in My Pocket makes her climb onto his lap again, kissing him sweetly. While during Candy, she grinds against him, reciting the dark lyrics to him playfully. Still on his lap, she pulls back from the change as I Think I'm Okay comes on. After chair dancing on him through the acoustic part, she pulls him out of the chair with her to sing, jump and dance around together. Kissing happily.

As 5:3666 starts, they flop on the couch together, Luna wincing.

Colson hands her a beer, wanting her to catch this next part. To his pleasure she does, seeing another tear drop for the track before. As 5:3666 fades out to his voice questioning himself, you hear a door open and heels walk across a room.

"This is different." She thinks, noticing it wasn't there before.

Luna's head whips over to him with wide eyes as she hears her voice say "Come to bed, Bunny.... Please". He agrees before her heels walk out and he sets down a razor blade. Door closing behind them. The album then flows into Bad Things.

"Seriously?" She looks at him, her blue eyes, sparking brilliantly. Red painted lips open in shock. She climbs on top of him. Kissing him all over his mouth and neck, making him laugh. The sound of them singing together, plumping her pussy as she grinds into his hard cock to their beat.

"It's not finished." He tells her, laughing, through wet kisses as she pulls his pants off. Sliding her panties over, she seperates her wet lips and slides him into her, inch by inch, as he sings to her over the track 🎶And your my drug🎶Breathe you into my face numb🎶 This makes her buck against him hard, head back, pushing her tits against him.

After a moment, she looks into his eyes replying with the track 🎶What can I say🎶It's kismet, ain't it🎶 She rides him, as she giggles in delight, He squeezes her tits over her dress. Her hips controling his dick. Feeling them both close and knowing the end of the song, he flips her over, carefully onto her back, on the couch. Throwing her left leg over his shoulder, he takes long, deep strokes. Making her quiver. Pushing hard inside of her, he STOPS.

"Listen." He demands. Luna tries to focus while his dick is buried in her guts. Bad Things leads into the end of the album with a door opening again. Boots and heels walking. A car door creeks open, his voice saying, "Get in, Kitten." to a loud kiss. The car door slams closed, boots walk again. The car door creaks open again in the background. The Boots stop. Car door slamming before it's engine revs up and peels out to Sex Drive.

Luna's whole body is pulsating. Her pussy clenching around his cock. She drops her one leg, wrapping both around his waist. "Oh Bunnny..." Is all she can say, sticking out her bottom lip before pulling him into a deep kiss. Throbbing inside of her, they thrust to the beat. Looking into each other's eyes, kissing passionately. Moving slowly for the first time. Both enjoying every long inch of him inside of her. It doesn't take much, just a few smooth, full pushes before they cum together happily, as usual.

"This is IT." Both of them knowing their destiny and truth.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued....

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 10: Too much poop for one Sunday

One dad, two toddlers, and seven hours of RedZone: How much football can you watch when the kids keep pooping?

I’m late to RedZone by half an hour today because we took the kids to a birthday party. As kids’ birthday parties go, this was a very good one: champagne for the adults, a bagel platter with excellent lox, and probably some stuff for the kids to do, I don’t know. I was eating bagels.

As we were walking home, thousands of families with young kids spilled out of the Barclay Center, clogging the sidewalk and slowing our progress home. It was the result of my omnipresent nemesis: Disney princesses, this time in ice skating form. Luckily, my daughter didn’t pick up any context clues from the schlock peddlers selling Cinderellas JUST janky and off-brand enough to not get sued into oblivion.

My son started to nod off in the stroller, and my wife and I started shaking him like he was a character in a Freddy movie. EYES OPEN, BROCHACHO. We learned our lesson about that last week: Stroller mini-naps lead to no nap at all, and we ain’t about that life.

When we get home, I take my son into our bedroom to change his wet diaper. He immediately rolls onto his stomach, because (A) that makes it impossible to put a fresh diaper on him and (B) he is only truly happy when he’s making my life more difficult.

My wife enters. “I got this,” she says. “Go do your job.” She is a saint.

I go into our living room and turn on the TV. My daughter is wearing my swim goggles for some reason. A minute later, my son enters the room. He is naked from the waist down. I don’t approve of my kids Porky Piggin’ around the house, but my wife said she had it. She has her reasons, I’m sure. I bite my tongue.

There are three small and pungent turds on the floor.

I go back into our room to grab my warm-up pants, and I hear my wife gasp so loudly that I fear one of the kids is injured. I re-enter the living room and there are three small and pungent turds on the floor. My wife is somehow uncertain about the culprit: “If that was ...”

WOMAN! The dog hasn’t pooped on the floor in a decade, and the only other suspect has shit on his naked thighs. I pick up the turd nearest me with a baby wipe and put it in the diaper pail; my wife handles the rest.

A couple minutes later, my son comes over to the couch — still pantsless — and urinates on my computer bag. I look at my wife.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, let the record show that my wife wanted my son to “air out” following several hours in a wet diaper. “I didn’t expect him to poop,” she says, which seems obvious enough. “And I didn’t put a diaper on him after he pooped because I figured, ‘What else could he do?’”

I say nothing. The secret to a good marriage — besides the dull work of continuous respect and communication — is laying off the slow hanging curveballs instead of crushing them into the third deck and moonwalking around the bases.

But yes, this was a helpful reminder that shit and piss are the main reasons I put diapers on babies. I respect all sides in this debate, however.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— Here is how to beat the Jaguars: Don’t let their defense or special teams score. That’s it. Like, maybe try to keep Leonard Fournette from ripping off an 80-yard TD, but mostly: Make Blake Bortles throw passes. He sucks at that! You’re gonna win!

Anyhoo, the Jags score a 56-yard fake punt touchdown. They miss the PAT and are only up 6-0. Doesn’t matter: Chargers are gonna lose this game.

— Stefon Diggs hugs the goalpost after scoring:

Stefon Diggs with the Antonio Brown memorial leap to hug the goal post http://pic.twitter.com/GtZuPkBpYg

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017

“That’s gonna be a penalty. You can’t use the goalpost,” says the announcer. Let’s try to keep this in mind the next time we’re like, “The NFL allows fun celebrations now!” A player pretending he finished a Super Mario level results in the same amount of penalty yardage as trying to decapitate a guy with a helmet-to-helmet hit. What an asshole league.

— Josh McCown and Ryan Fitzpatrick, who have combined to play for almost every quarterback-starved franchise in the modern NFL, throw interceptions on consecutive plays. The video should be played on loop on a 96-inch Sony wrapped in a gold frame in the National Gallery of Art.

— Oh no, John Fox. Oh Grampy what is you doin’.

That’s Benny Cunningham diving for the end zone. Officials ruled him out at the 2-yard line. Fox challenged the ruling, claiming it was a touchdown. The replay shows Cunningham fumble the ball into the pylon, which is a turnover and a touchback.

I would LOVE to be sympathetic and try to justify the challenge, but Fox isn’t exactly the kind of coach who’s earned himself a long leash with savvy or even gutsy in-game decision-making. And the video does him no favors, either.

John Fox, when he realizes he just challenged his own team into a turnover http://pic.twitter.com/PiVybx8D0n

— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) November 12, 2017

— Vontaze Burfict has been ejected for making contact with a ref. I guess those refs missed the MMQB’s soft-focus profile last week.

Vontaze Burfict—student of the game? Doting dad and husband? The Bengals linebacker would like you to know he’s not the guy he’s made out to be.

Here’s what to do with redemption profiles: Move them to the trash icon on your computer without ever pitching them.

— “Hey, DeShone Kizer doesn’t look like ass” was a thing I was typing when a Browns wide receiver was stripped, resulting in a defensive score for the Lions. After jumping out to a 10-0 lead, the Browns now trail 17-10. The Browns just always Browns so hard. It’s amazing how Brownsy they are.

— Rookie Austin Ekeler walks a tightrope down the right sideline to score a touchdown and put the Chargers up 7-6. I wrote that sentence like I’ve heard of Austin Ekeler before.

I watch around 400 prospects prior to each draft. I've never watched Austin Ekeler play football.

— Josh Norris (@JoshNorris) November 12, 2017

— Adam Thielen’s touchdown celebration is a game of leapfrog with his teammates:

Vikings play leapfrog FTW http://pic.twitter.com/D92aT1QpD7

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017

I remain agog that fans are impressed by these simplistic, unoriginal celebrations. While American chumps are oohing and ah-ing over hide-and-seek, the CFL is celebrating like IT’S the dominant football league in North America.

Here's the entire CFL limbo TD celebration (h/t @joshellman) http://pic.twitter.com/S952tA4rv3

— Vikings Blogger (@firstandskol) November 12, 2017

Now THAT is quality.

— Just when you think the Browns can’t Browns any harder: DeShone Kizer attempts a quarterback sneak on the 2-yard-line with 14 seconds left in the half and no timeouts. He’s tackled short of the goal line, and the clock runs out. The Browns go into the locker room with no points from a drive that ended a yard short of the goal line, down 17-10 despite outplaying the Lions for most the half.

SECOND HALF, EARLY GAMES

— The Colts’ Chester Rogers (???) catches a deep ball that goes for 62 yards and a score thanks to broken coverage and lousy tackling. The Colts lead the Steelers 17-3, and I would like for you to remember this the next time someone says, “The Steelers are the most complete team in the NFL right now.” Hogwash. I’ll take a team with a secondary and a consistent quarterback.

— Alvin Kamara scores a TD to put the Saints up 24-3 in Buffalo. That’s three touchdowns on the ground for New Orleans, and none thrown by Drew Brees. This is an affront to everything I’ve learned from the last 10 years of fantasy football.

— I take a nap and wake up to the Steelers tying the game with a 2-point conversion. Order has been restored to the world. It’s 17-all in the fourth quarter, and — barring a third 60-yard touchdown bomb from Jacoby Brissett -- the Steelers will put together another drive to salt this one away.

— My daughter wakes up from her nap, and there’s a poop situation that requires a bath. I’ll spare you the details, if only so I don’t have to relive them.

When my wife puts her in the bath, she is screaming and inconsolable. She won’t sit down, and any attempt to force her down just makes her shriek more loudly.

After a couple minutes of trying to calm her down, I strip down to my underwear and get in the bath with her. The water is lukewarm and only about two inches deep, and I try to ignore the couple flecks of stray poop in the bath. She stops crying, and I coax her to sit down. I read her a book about sea creatures, and my wife finishes the cleanup.

— With a minute left in Chicago, the Packers shank a short field goal that would have given them a ten-point lead. “Looks like this one might be exciting,” I almost think before remembering that we’re talking about the Bears, John Fox, and a rookie quarterback whose bar to become the greatest QB in franchise history is “Jay Cutler.”

Mitchell Trubisky’s bar to become the greatest QB in franchise history is “Jay Cutler.”

The Bears don’t even get to midfield before turning the ball over on downs.

— Remember when I said the Saints having three rushing touchdowns and no touchdown passes was an affront to fantasy? Make that SIX rushing TDs with zero through the air. This is patently unfair. Related: I do not have Mark Ingram or Alvin Kamara in any of my fantasy leagues.

— The Chargers are up 17-14 with less than 2 minutes left in Jacksonville. They can ice the game with a first down. This is what happens instead:

Austin Ekeler fumbles, the Jaguars recover the ball, and Tashaun Gipson returns it for a touchdown.

The touchdown is overturned (replay shows Gipson was down by contact on the recovery).

Marqise Lee takes a hard but clean hit in the end zone, and it appears a penalty may give the Jags the ball on the 1-yard line. Lee dances at the Chargers defenders, and gets flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct.

On the next play — 3rd and 25 — Blake Bortles makes a terrible decision and Tre Boston picks off his pass (Boston’s second pick of the quarter).

The Chargers run the ball three straight times to burn the Jags’ timeouts. Again, a first down would have ended the game. L.A. punts it back.

Joey Bosa is key in putting Jacksonville in field goal range, unnecessarily throwing Bortles to the ground after he’d thrown the ball. Josh Lambo — who the Chargers cut in the preseason to keep Younghoe Koo (RIP) — makes the game-tying field goal. This game is going to overtime.

Those two minutes of game time were some of the most watchable football I’ve seen all season. It was like someone reversed the polarity of the Texans-Seahawks shootout. “OK, let me just flick the COMPETENCE switch to OFF.” I love it.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— The afternoon slate is Cowboys-Falcons, Giants-Niners, Texans-Rams, and some leftover Chargers-Jags. Hey, smell this Chargers-Jags, has it gone bad? (You are hit with the scent of spoiled milk and used diapers.)

— Ed Hochuli is working Cowboys-Falcons, and wastes no time wasting our time with an overly lengthy explanation of a call. I agree with Drew Magary about taking away the refs’ mics. Let them work in silence while the PA announcer and TV crew explain the hand motions for the crowd and viewers at home.

— It’s weird the different stages kids can be at despite being similar sizes. My daughter, at age 3, is capable of having a conversation and expressing her feelings with words. My son, 18 months, understands everything we say, but is less a human than an organic chaos engine. The kid does forward-facing trust falls off of stairs.

— The Texans defense looks mean early — Jadeveon Clowney has been wreaking havoc, and Rams receivers can’t seem to get an inch after the catch. The Rams only have a 3-0 lead because of a Tom Savage fumble, which is also why the Texans have no chance to win this game unless the defense scores three touchdowns.

— OVERTIME UPDATE: After the Chargers got a defensive stop, Philip Rivers attempts to huck it long to Travis Benjamin, but the pass is picked off by A.J. Bouye, who nearly returns it for a touchdown, but is pushed out at the 2-yard line. The Jaguars are penalized for taunting, which pushes the ball back to the 17, which is a huge deal because Jacksonville’s long snapper is injured.

God, I love this game. It’s like watching raccoons accomplish human activities. “Their little paws are so dextrous! Incredible!”

With the Jags setting up for a game-winning kick, the Chargers get called for delay of game, and the extra five yards is enough for Lambo’s partially blocked kick to get through the uprights. Lambo, a former MLS goalkeeper, breaks out the soccer goal celebration:

Celebration of the NFL season. Josh Lambo getting his football on http://pic.twitter.com/PrmZ4ELq7y

— Chris Deeley (@ThatChris1209) November 12, 2017

— The Texans take the lead (whaaa???) 7-6 on a Bruce Ellington touchdown. Are you sitting down? I hope so, because Tom Savage just led an eight-play, 75-yard drive.

— The first interesting play of Giants-49ers is in: Marquise Goodwin hauls in a bomb from C.J. Beathard that gives the Niners a 10-6 lead.

CJ Beathard + @flashg88dwin... 83-YARD @49ERS TOUCHDOWN! #GoNiners http://pic.twitter.com/KgGj2cpNQn

— NFL (@NFL) November 12, 2017

Goodwin was clearly emotional at the end of the play, and it’s because he and his wife lost their baby boy early that morning due to complications during pregnancy. Just horrible, horrible news, and I am in awe of anyone who could muster the strength to stand up and leave the hospital after that.

— My son blows a raspberry on my wife’s leg that sounds like a wet fart that would make Foley artists jealous. He’s 18 months old, struggles to communicate with words, and falls on his face several times a day, but DAMN can the kid make fart sounds.

He tries to raspberry our dog, with less success.

— A Tom Savage red zone interception leads to a Rams field goal just before the half. It should have been at least a 10-6 lead for Houston, and instead they trail 9-7.

— Cowboys-Falcons is … fine, I guess. I’m not paying close attention, but it looks like the absence of Zeke Elliott has led to Dak Prescott trying to do too much. Dak’s hurting from the absence of Tyron Smith, too — Adrian Clayborn’s having a great game. Clayborn sacks and strips Prescott, ending what had been a solid Cowboys drive. The Falcons lead 10-7 at the half.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— My wife, attempting to sanitize the floors after the first poop incident, makes the mistake of letting the kids see the cleaning supplies. Soon my son has the broom, and my daughter has the Swiffer, and she’s shouting, “KALAYLA! KALAYLA!”

“What does ‘kalayla’ mean?” I ask her.

She widens her eyes and says, “Maloa!”

It is possible we’ve been listening to the Moana soundtrack a little too much.

— A Tom Savage pick-6 is wiped off the board by Rams defensive holding. Alec Ogletree was responsible for both the interception and the penalty. It looked like a ticky-tack penalty to me, but I feel that way about 95% of defensive holding calls. It’s a garbage penalty that shouldn’t result in an automatic first down.

— RedZone cuts away from a replay of a 94-yard Robert Woods touchdown to get back to commentary on the challenge of Sterling Shepard’s catch.

NINETY-FOUR YARD TD!@JaredGoff16 to @robertwoods! #LARams http://pic.twitter.com/QUd2pQiUgq

— NFL (@NFL) November 12, 2017

.@sterl_shep3 only needs one hand! What a grab! #GiantsPride http://pic.twitter.com/aIpFwubPru

— NFL (@NFL) November 12, 2017

Yo, RedZone, you know I love you, but go ahead and put Dean Blandino on hold so I can see that 94-yarder a second time. I can wait 15 seconds to find out if the good catch was ruled a catch.

— The Giants miss a 34-yard field goal and are still down 17-13. Ben McAdoo exerts some more of the leadership that’s led the Giants to two straight months of losses:

McAdoo is definitely a cop http://pic.twitter.com/y1kwQ3bFFW

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) November 12, 2017

I disagree with the above tweet; I think McAdoo looks like an early aughts Central Valley rap-metal fan. But I include it because it’s a picture of what Garett describes here:

@mattufford I'm almost certain that every time they have shown McAdoo on TV, he's just watched the Jumbotron and never said a word into his headset or anyone else. You're the coach, say something!

— Garett Dmytrowich (@garettdmy) November 13, 2017

He’s right!

— I give my son his bath, and get back to the TV in time to see Sammy Watkins strolling in the end zone. It’s 23-7. Looks like that’ll do it for the Texans.

Also, I should note that I had only written as much as “Looks like that” in the sentence above before Tom Savage got strip-sacked.

FURTHERMORE: I got as far as “written” in the sentence above before Robert Woods scored again. That’s two touchdowns in 19 seconds for the Rams, and the Texans are EXTRA cooked.

— My daughter comes up to me. “Where’s Moana?” she asks, looking at my computer. We listen to the soundtrack on Spotify regularly, and I’ve shown her a couple of videos from the movie (“You’re Welcome” and “How Far I’ll Go”) while encouraging her to poop on the potty. Once she fills up her poop chart with stickers, she’ll get to watch the whole movie for the first time.

After subduing her desire to be any of the Disney princesses who just go to sleep until a man solves their problems, I’m more than happy to steer her towards Moana. It’s every father’s dream to teach his daughter celestial navigation.

— Matt Ryan throws a TD to Austin Hooper, and the Falcons lead 24-7.

what I think about every time they say "Hooper" during a Falcons game http://pic.twitter.com/rnfv5bK8rf

— Matt Ufford (@mattufford) February 6, 2017

— While I attempt to brush his teeth, my son swats my hand, smearing toothpaste on his forehead. My daughter thinks that’s funny, so she wipes toothpaste on HER forehead. “They’ll be able to play with each other,” my wife and I told each other when we planned on having two kids close in age.

— Make that six sacks for Adrian Clayborn. Let’s see, the Falcons’ next opponent is ... oh, the Seahawks. And their new left tackle just injured his ankle. Splendid. Can’t wait for that.

— Matt Breida zips through the middle of the Giants defense for a 33-yard TD to put the Niners up 31-13. The Falcons are up 27-7, the Rams are up 30-7, and this column is over without sticking around for any final scores. I’ve dealt with enough shit today, thank you very much.